dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
