I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
