Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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