I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
