you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
