Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
