somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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