Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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