new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Welp...herpes.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
