i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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