I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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