I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize