Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
