Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
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