mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
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