eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
