I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
