I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
