You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
