1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
