i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
