brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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