I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Randomize
