so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
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