I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
