ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
