So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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