My sheets look like a crime scene.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
