i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize