Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
