I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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