he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
