I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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