i'm signing you up for texting rehab
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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