Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
and she was petting her beer can
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
why do cheetos always look like penises
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
