It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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