I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
