there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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