what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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