Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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