I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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