hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Text me some of your sweat
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
