yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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