Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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