Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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