Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
