omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
