Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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