my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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