she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
