Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I look better un-naked...
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
