Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
