He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
