"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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