i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
