You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'm getting married
To pizza
Randomize
