Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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