WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
