Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I love you.
Bad choice
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